So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
