I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
