mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
