You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
