Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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