I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
