Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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