If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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