The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
