just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
