the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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