I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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