in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
