Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
