Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
North Korea, Best Korea!
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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