She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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