It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
