The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize