my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
