u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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