Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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