Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Did you pee in the oven last night??
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
