Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
