We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
