I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
