Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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