My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
