I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize