Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
