She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
