you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
