Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
