Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
