I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
