my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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