You're a womanizer and a bitch.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
