He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Never joke about your clitoris.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
