ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
