Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
