Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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