I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
