if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
