So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
