Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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