And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
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i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
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where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.