I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
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