I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
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I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
He melted the stem
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You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?