I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
