Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
