a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
