Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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