i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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