remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
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