i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
