my shit smells like andre
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
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I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
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Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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