Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he shaved USA in his pubs
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
