I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
