haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
