I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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