oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
