i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
